recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.