i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
areolas are like halos for boobs.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".