Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.