I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.