Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
