I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"