i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?