Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.