shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.