Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.