he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me