You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
a search helicopter?!
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.