theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.