We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard