I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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