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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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