when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess