never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
