The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Redeem this text for a blowjob
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?