What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.