I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
This is not my ceiling
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.