clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
