Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt