im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.