your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs