Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"