There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.