Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends