Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Can I ask u a weird question?
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.