now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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