I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation