i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
