He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you will always have a special place in my vag
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either