we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dating After Heartbreak
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him