explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
