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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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