is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics