after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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