Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing