no, he came in my armpit
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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