yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wipe that smile off your face.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.