Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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