The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
