I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick