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basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Your dad touched me again.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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