Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?