I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE