You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style