Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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