When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i think i have herpe
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.