Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
